A little thought about Christ

I had a thought or a realization of something about Christ the other day that had never occurred to me before. Something that meant absolutely everything to me and while I haven’t really any eloquent way to say it, I wanted to share it with y’all.

The past few weeks have been really hard for me especially in the area of being homesick and feeling like I didn’t really belong, didn’t have my heart here, and didn’t really fit in at all with the people out here. With an unknown future looming ahead of me it is very easy for me to become scared of what will happen to me or where I will belong. There is something to be very highly valued in people that you know and that know you very well and I miss that. Basically, with all the stuff going on at home, I was just really struggling with feeling very much alone in a lot of ways and not really enjoying it at all. =)

I was sharing this with Emily the other day and she pointed out two verses to me. You know those you have read a million times and never really noticed? Yep, those… They are both in Psalms 10 the first being verse 14 and read as follows:

“ But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you and you are the helper of the fatherless”

and the second being verse 17

“You hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them and listen to their cry.”

I absolutely don’t consider myself a victim in any way just to clear that up, but I read verse 17 and it just blew me away, that while I was sitting there, alone in my room, sobbing my little heart out, that He was listening to me.

I started thinking about Jesus’s time here on earth and how it must have been for Him. How homesick He must have been for heaven, to be with others who appreciated and knew who He truly was. To have His Father with Him. He didn’t belong here and He knew that. I have no doubt that He never felt at home on this earth, because He knew he was only here for a time, much like me where I am right now. We know He felt alone and was indeed abandoned by the One He loved most. (Mark 15:34)

I know it is such an elementary realization, but to me sitting there just feeling His presence and His love and knowing that I love God and I am known by God (1 Cor 8:3) just absolutely meant everything to me.

He knows the desires of my heart and He knows how it feels to do what He has given me. And when you give your life to someone who knows and has gone through the hardships that you are and will go through (no matter how big or trivial they are) it just makes that relationship that much stronger and so much dearer. I mean come on people, He heard me crying… and He did something about it!

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"Wait"

For those of you who know me well, you would know that I am a total sucker for poetry.

I love the beauty of the words and the flow of another's soul giving me goosebumps and just all the emotions wrapped up in a few lyrical lines.

Ahhh yes, I LOVE it!

While I can spend hours pouring over a poem book and getting the chills, it is rare that I come across a work as life changing and inspiring as the one I am going to share here.

As has been the theme in my posts for a few years now but a lot this past year; I am waiting... waiting for God.

Waiting for direction, waiting for providence, waiting for people... lots and lots of waiting and we all know how much I adore waiting (NOT!).

However it seems that at this point in my life waiting and doing faithfully what I was given last to do seems to totally dominate my existence! ;-)

With that in mind, it is of little surprise that the following poem made me stop short and suddenly realize how much I need to appreciate the waiting God has given me!

What a blessing!

What a tragedy to miss such marvelous lessons!!

Now without further adieu...

"WAIT"

"Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .

And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

- by Russell Kelfer

Photos courtesy of Google... lame I know but I didn't have anything in my portfolio that correctly depicted what I wanted and I was in too much of a hurry to take something ;-)

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My Heart; Your Home

I think everyone has a CD or a song that just sums up the very deepest desires if their heart in the beautiful melodic way only music can. For me, that would be the ‘Watermark’ CD :“ All things New”. I call it my “Heart Music”, because no matter where I have been in my life or walk with the Lord over the past few years, this CD has never failed to minister to me in some wonderful way. Be it the piercing words of conviction, the soothing balm of peace to my troubled heart, or the perfect summation of love and grief; this collection of songs has consistently spoken deeper into my soul than any other.

This past week I was listening to it while I vacuumed, and something made me stop dead in my tracks and spend several days thinking and evaluating my life from an angle I had never really pondered much before.

For simplicity’s sake I am just going to post all the lyrics here for you to read and a link for you to listen to the song on youtube

(I recommend just listening and not watching because they put it to a clip from Dumbo and if you are anything like me you will puddle up all the way through and not be able to really listen to the song. :-P )

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6VX_aNo0zs&feature=BF

Lyrics:

“Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through 'till my heart becomes a home for You.

A home for You, Lord.
A home for You, Lord.
Let everything I do open up,

A door for You to come through,
And that my heart would be a place where You want to be.
Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through 'till my heart becomes a home for You.

You are my portion, filling up everything.
You are the fortune that's causing my heart to sing.
That it's amazing, that You could make Yourself at home with me.
Come and make my heart,
Come and make it Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.

Search me through and through 'till my heart becomes a home for You”

My life has been focused in large part in preparation for my future as I feel God is calling me; to someday be the keeper of a home. And while I currently have no plans with anyone and don’t feel as though God has given me a time-line or anything, I have been slowly but steadily preparing for my future home, husband, and children for several years now.

I find myself often thinking about how I can most wisely invest now so as to be a blessing to my future family. It seems like every choice, big or little, somehow relates.

What car to buy? Do I invest more money into a more practical family type vehicle? Or settle for a less expensive small car?

When I go to buy a book, I think of it in my future library and I always look for books that I know I want to have my children read.

I read anything I can get my hands on about being a good wife and mother, I stalk mommy blogs and learn the mom money saving tricks, and (my personal favorite) I routinely ask people who have been married for 20+ years what their secret is and what wisdom they would pass on to me. Every day I think about it and what I can be doing now to be ready, and to make a better home for my family and their friends.

The thought that struck me so hard, was in relation to my heart being God’s home. It is my dream to host many people from all over the world in my future home, but what about hosting the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, in my heart…. Permanently.

What sort of things would I change in my life to make my heart a welcoming place for Him to be?

Do I prepare and maintain my heart for my ultimate lover and guest, as a higher

priority than I do my earthly dream?

Do I sit down with people who have spent many years in a passionate sold out relationship with Christ and ask them what wisdom they would pass on to me as a younger Christian?

Do I think of the Spiritual influence I will have on my future children and their friends and the people who will be in my life, and prepare myself accordingly?

Do I earnestly put my life and relationship with Christ in every fiber of my being and every second of my day?

Admittedly, I was taken aback at how skewed my priorities can be and how little I sometimes devote to the eternal in contrast to what I dedicate to earthly things. Not only was I challenged to take a closer look at exactly what motive/s are driving me, but to make a change and spend more time nurturing my relationship with Christ.

I like to have things figured out in advance so it can be hard for me to trust Him to work out all the details in regards to my future, but… who better to trust?!

As I find that beautiful wonderful passionate close relationship with Christ, slowly but surely, becoming more and more essential to my everyday life with each passing day, I am reminded who (and what) I truly live for!

Preparing for my future home was a perfect example for me and something God used in my life to really drive home the point of my need to focus more on Him in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

What sort of things in your life might remind you of your constant need to be seeking Him ever more each day?

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Heart Update #1

It is one of those times again; late at night when my heart is the fullest and my mind is spinning with the day and life in general.

It is generally at these times that I pull out a paper and pen or grab a good friend to chat with about God, life, love, truth, ideas, and the deeper facets of everyday living. It is on these papers and into these hearts that I share my deepest thoughts, desires and fears.

Over the last few months I have had the deepest walls of my heart penetrated, renovated, and my view point on several factors of life severely altered from what I originally had. God has taken my life, turned it upside down and I would say “Handed it back to me” but I don’t honestly think He has. There have been so many facets that He has touched but the one I really want to focus on this evening is Him. So grab a pillow and some coffee or chai (probably caffeinated) and make yourself comfortable. =)

I have always known that God was more than just a Deity that we worshiped and obeyed because if we did not, our destination was “HE-double hockey sticks”. I knew that it was a relationship with one person and one Savior that was a perfect beautiful combination of authority, God, man, lover, friend, strength, mercy, sin, forgiveness, love, hate, beauty, brokenness, passion, meekness, joy and tears. It is the epitome of every dream and desire; the ultimatum of the human existence.

Yet, I do not think I ever fully ‘realized’ the reality of Christ within myself in a way that affected every choice I made, from life alterations to the words that flowed out of my mouth on a daily basis and even more importantly so massively influenced and changed me just as who I am.

I have been reading a small beautifully written little theological book by a man named Myron S Augusburger – “Called to Maturity – Gods provision for Spiritual Growth”

When I first moved to WA I started attending a church down town and naturally made a bee line for the church library. Something, about the plain tan little hardback tucked away in a corner, caught my eye and I borrowed it for several months. Never once did I think it would change my life.

Now as I am still chipping away at this gorgeous little gem of literature, I am seeing God as so much more than I ever imagined. As an example, something I struggle with is forgiveness, not so much for people who have wronged me personally but those who have wronged someone I love. In many of my late night talks and writings forgiveness was a discussed topic because if it’s powerful necessity in our lives. I knew that we were called to forgive and that Christ forgave us, but I never understood so much of what Christ really did on the cross and just how much He Forgave nor HOW He did it.

To quote Augusburger, “To claim to forgive without assuming the consequence is not forgiveness but avoidance.”

That quote/thought set a little fire in my mind as I thought over all the people I need to forgive and all the times I have been forgiven, not only by human hearts but by God Himself who assumed the consequences of my sin in such a phenomenal sacrifice.

Augusburger put it this way: “ For Christ to truly forgive He would bear upon Himself vicariously the consequence of man’s sin. The Bible says “[He] bare our sins in His own body on the tree” it must here be recognized that the effect of being a sin offering as it rested upon Jesus was an impression upon His soul, not an experience within His soul of tasting sin. He never tasted Sin in personal transgression, but He gave His life, being “numbered with the transgressors.” In this experience of being a sin offering He looked into the cup and gazed upon the sin for the guilt of which He was dying. Every sin of humanity was in the cup He must drink: foul words, evil imaginations, malice, envy, hatred, lustful desires, immoral acts, deceit and pride; and all would be forgiven by the innocent Christ whose mind never tolerated evil thought, whose heart never beat with lustful desires, whose character was as pure as the driven snow, and whose heart overflowed with infinite Love even unto death”

Can you even imagine loving someone that much… I love and I love to love, but when I think about taking that sort of death, or any death for that matter, for the sin of mankind, knowing that I did not have to, it is honestly too much for me to even comprehend much less imagine doing! It brings me to my knees in speechless tears when I think of His Love, and how He loves us… how He loves me. ♥

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True Love

I have had something overwhelming creeping over my heart the past few weeks and more intensely the past few days. I hope that I can share this in a way that does not sound like random gibberish but in a manner that speaks to your heart as it has been speaking to mine.

Those of you who know me well know that my number one dream in life is to be pursued, captured, and carried away by my very own prince charming; to have his babies and live a happy crazy life supporting him wherever God leads him! As you also all know, as much as I hate to admit it, there really is no such man on the horizon. I know he is supposed to “swoop” in at the last second but seriously… I don’t see that happening any time soon.

Pondering my plight last Tuesday at the “College and beyond” group where it seemed like lots of girls had found their prince charming I suddenly tuned into the song that was being sung (can you tell Music changes my life!) . I cannot remember the words exactly but they were describing the Love of Christ and how He died for us. I have been a Christian for several years and while I am fully acquainted with that concept, it seems God has something new to show me all the time!

Wonder started filling my heart at the vast love that He had for me as I stood there watching these words flow across the screen. Suddenly the song ended and the service was over, people began milling around talking and as quickly as it had begin the door was closed. Bam. I felt like I had just missed something very important and had been puzzling over it… until today.

I had some quiet time putting the baby down for a nap this afternoon and after he fell asleep I began to pray first of all just thanking God for everything He had done for me and how inexplicably blessed I am.

Now in order for this to make perfect sense I need to state that I have been struggling with unworthiness the past few weeks. Mostly just being over powered by the enormity of God and the insignificance of myself. Realistically speaking, He is God and I am dust, what could I ever say that would be of any significance to Him? I would go to pray and just walk away because I did not think I could enter His presence without doing something to make me more acceptable ( I mean, excuse me, this is the Emperor of the universe we are talking to here!) .

Now, last Sunday, the pastor at the church I attended addressed this very topic and reminded me that no matter how unworthy I am (and I am completely unacceptable!) God has cleansed me and HE invites me to come into His presence, regardless! So I was really enjoying this re-remembered nugget of truth which brings us back to today and my praying and thanking God for wanting me in His presence.

Hashing back over the thoughts of Thursday I started praying that God would reveal to me more of Himself, and another realization started to fill my heart from the core spreading out in every direction.

He died!

I mean that.

He DIED!!!

“No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for a friend”

Not only did He DIE but He died RESCUING me…

He set me free!

He captured my heart!

He is preparing a kingdom for me!

He loved me so much that He fought the dragon and won!

Not only did He emerge victorious but He did it in such a way that ultimately the whole earth will have no choice but to worship Him!

It is like the most perfect fairy tale ever except even more, it is TRUE!

I wanted a Prince Charming, I got one.

So while the desire for a husband has not lessened whatsoever, it brought to more realistic terms a truth I had heard but had not quite sunk fully into my heart. As every corner of my heart was filled with glorious wonder and rapture just thinking of what a sacrifice He made for me, tears streamed down my face for sheer joy and be-wonderment.

Just an FYI, I am having a really hard time just trying to write or even portray in words what it is like and I hope this is followable! :-P

You know the moment in a Disney movie; the music has been steadily climbing, the suspense is killing you and suddenly the prince emerges victorious! The Princess runs out with a radiant face to greet him and everyone feels all warm and fuzzy. Okay, that is like a cardboard box compared to the realization that the King of all the Universe sacrificed His very life for ME! (I don’t think any of the guys in the fairy tales end up dying and coming back to life either! How cool is that!)

I love you so much, Jesus! ♥

I would highly recommend listening to "True Love" by Phil Wickham ♥

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Adventures

Greetings to all my faithful blog readers!

I hope this post finds you all warm and enjoying the family togetherness of the season. :)

God has been doing some exciting things in my life in the past few months and drawing together the strings of two dreams of mine.


Over a year ago I sat down with dad and made a list of the things I wanted to do with my life, near the top of that list was going on a short term missions trip. I started praying that God would open the doors and send an opportunity my way if it was His will for me. For about 6 months nothing happened until I read about an opportunity on the Rebelution Forum to go to Sinaloa Mexico and help put the roof on the Coult Family's house. Long story short I leave a week from today for almost two weeks in Mexico! God is so good! I have been continually awed at the precision of His ways and how He has brought every little detail together so perfectly!

Three days after I return home from Mexico (Jan 15th-16th) my church is hosting a Rebelution video conference of which I am the head coordinator. Ever since I got involved with the Rebelution in 2006 I have wanted to bring them to Omaha. When Dad and I went to their conference in Des Moines, IA the summer of 08 I was completely hooked! When Mr.Nelson asked me to coordinate the video conference at Millard Alliance Church I was excited and very nervous. Once again God took my original plan, tripled it, and then sent it far and wide. He provided willing volunteers and people to help me plan. ( I never knew how many details went into these things!)

By the way...there is still room to register for the conference and we would love to have you! It is $10 per person at the door and you can RSVP to: omaha2010rebelution@gmail.com . If you would like to come but cannot afford the fee just let us know and we are happy to offer assistance. :) (*shamless plug..I know I know*)


God has been so good to me this year and as it ends I am excited to see what lies beyond the sunrise!

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A prayer

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."

-Psalms 139:23-24

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Musings from my heart

"Why do we go with the flow Or take an easier road? Why are we playing it safe? Love came to show us the way Love is a chance we should take..."


I have been thinking and praying a lot about forgiveness and love and how they fit together.

I have seen the good side of a loving relationship, yes. However, all to often I look at the hurt side of love.
"Why should I let them in? Why should I let my guard down again? Oh no, once, twice, and y'all expect me to be vulnerable again?! Ha!"
As the age old saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me"
True in a sense of being wise, but then again, not exactly applicable to true love and forgiveness.

¹⁴For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. -Matthew 16:14-15 NIV

We have all gagged on those words at one time or another. In the past I would read that verse, be horrified, and immediately forgive anyone who I was holding anything against. This time it did not even phase me.
Plowing ahead deeper into my bitterness looked like a much easier option and I took it. I ran those words through my head and listened to countless sermons on the dangers of bitterness unconsciously hoping that something would scare the forgiveness out of me.
Nothing did.
I was starting to get concerned!
"Why is my heart so hard?"
For months I have been praying that God would relight the passion for Him that I used to have, why silence?
Suddenly it hit.
Not like a ton of bricks, but like a strong steady breeze.
"You say you cannot forgive, you are right. You are so full of your flesh that you are unable to see anything past the blinders of your hurt. You cannot see Me. You cannot forgive, until you realize the extent that you have been forgiven. You cannot truly love, without Me, the author of love, pouring My love through you. "

I knew it was true.
Of course it was true!

In my meager attempts to let go and move on I had tried in my own strength.
Halfheartedly at that!

²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:2

I am nothing.

Without the Love of God running through me I am absolutely nothing.

The first days were hard. Praying good things for the people who I held the offense against, and daily forgiving them within my heart.

I was awed as I felt the layers of bitterness, resentment, anger, and hurt melt away from my heart, replaced with a heart of compassion, love and joy.

Suddenly I could see a part of their side of the story and my heart broke again, but this time for them.

The renewed love for Christ and the people around has begun to grow again as the passion for He who is everything is beginning to splutter and spark once again in to flame.

There is still a very long way to go and this is just the beginning of the trail.
But it is a beginning!



" I loved once and my heart was broken, I loved twice and you walked away. I will love again but this time not I, but my Everything will Love with an everlasting Love"

"Don't let your lights go down Don't let your fire burn out"






*Quotes in italics at the beginning and end are from "The lost get found" -Britt Nicole

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