Unforgettable

Today I met a young man that I haven't been able to get out of my mind.

I was sitting as the only white girl in the back of the bus with several ghetto dudes who were dealing pot. Right there in front of me, packing the bags and passing the money and everything. I had Solly in my lap and we were reading stories; trying to ignore the marijuana market, foul language, lingering cigarette smell, and several days worth of BO surrounding us.

I was feeling very vulnerable and scared back there kinda hoping that they would just get off and this wouldn’t go south. The ring leader (aka the young man with the big bag of weed) spoke up and told me my baby was really cute and nice. I thanked him and then, out of the blue, he said with a particular indignation and sadness, "So that is what you got huh? Boyfriend just left you and left the lil man huh?" I clarified that I was the nanny and he complimented my nannying saying I was a great nanny and that he betted I would be well prepared when I had my own kids.

It was a simple conversation, but it broke my heart. He was one of those guys that I could see SO much potential in. He wasn’t a thug, he was just… probably doing all he had known to do all his life.

I am not sure what it was exactly, but there was something that was in him that was different than the other guys. They were all very respectful of me as much as I would hope for from their crowd, but he just stood out.

Maybe it was just that I saw so much potential in him and wished I could have offered him a real job or sent him through school and seen him succeed.

There was something about his tone and manner that made me think maybe 19-20 some years ago he was a little boy on a bus with his mama and no daddy.

Maybe it was the instant connection and tenderness I saw in his face and heard in his voice when he asked about Solly having a dad.

Maybe it was the moment of sympathy and vulnerability or a raw pain that I saw flash through his eyes when he assumed I had been abandoned with my little boy.

I don’t know what it was.

But something about him was different and utterly unforgettable.

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Just one?

This post really isn’t as much of a thought or an idea as it is a lot of questions; or series of things I have been mulling over and want your input and thoughts on.

I often on and off wonder, if I am doing enough for the kingdom of God in the way I live my life. Or rather, am I doing as much as I ought to? Maybe could I, or should I, be doing more? I have always thought of myself as a rebelutionary of sorts. Not the kind that made the best grades or succeeded at everything they put their hand to and became a business owner at the age of 16, but just an ordinary rebelutionary who strove to excel in the mundane ordinary life things. And God has always had His hand upon me in that and I know it and people have told me that they could see it all my life and He has brought me where I am now and will continue. '

But what if I could do more than I even think is possible. What if I gave more of my small little salary to aid causes that are spreading the gospel or freeing slaves instead of thinking that some family with a steadier income and more money or a more established career person will give what I think I can’t?

This specific situation has been bugging my heart recently, and I just have to throw it out there. I was reading up on some orphanages in India, where they don’t want baby girls because of the extra expense (paying a dowry to get her married as opposed to having a son and getting paid) or because they want sons to care for them. In short the girls are malnourished and die by the hundreds for lack of care. I was reading about an orphanage that had people drop baby girls off at the door all the time and just leave them to be taken care of or die. In 2007 this orphanage was charging less than $450 to come adopt any of their kids. India sent out a request or plea to Europe and other western nations begging them to come adopt their children that are unwanted.

For less than twice the amount I just spent on my plane ticket to go home, I could pay the fee minus plane tickets to bring a child home from India.

I was kind of floored.

To be honest, while I have always wanted to, I have never considered myself in a position to even consider adoption. I am 19 and unmarried. Legally I have to be 21 to adopt from India, but if I was 21 and unmarried or even a newly wed or even had a small child or two of my own, would I consider myself in a place to do something like that? What if I was a 24+ year old girl living with my parents waiting for prince charming… would I consider adopting a child? Would I lay aside my dream or ideal of the perfect family… the whole first comes love then comes marriage… THEN comes the baby in the baby carriage ideal? But, someone has to take them in and as the Brandon Heath song says: “What if I’m the one?”

Why couldn’t I adopt a baby as a single 21yr old? If I was legally able to and could support the baby and me financially and had a place to live… why not? Even as a young single mother I could give that baby a better home than they have right now. Does it have to be a mother and a father right away? Would God provide me with a man that would be okay with that? Do good Christian guys even consider girls that have adopted a child? Does that even matter? How much of my life am I willing to give? Sometimes I wonder if I have a “Yes, God I will serve You with my single years however You want, but I expect my future to be picture perfect” complex.

What if I made a choice per His leading and DID adopt a baby girl from India in those single years, that would affect my picture perfect rest of my life… significantly. Maybe I should just wait… but…maybe not.

Or what about the Human Trafficking cause. Setting girls just like me free from the horrific bondage of a sex slave. There are tons of places that need people like me, but it comes with a price, my life and investment of time. Am I willing to set aside my dreams to go to a land where I don't know people, to be in danger myself, to help others? Are those things too big or too hard for one little me and one big God?

What if I committed to a year long missions trip around the world? What if I moved to Mexico and served. Just served. I feel like there is so much to do, but I have never really thrown myself out there and done any of it. Perhaps my calling isn’t to be some big, maybe it is just to do little things well. I really don’t know, but I still wonder.

Maybe I could be doing more than I am… maybe I’m the one… maybe not.

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A little thought about Christ

I had a thought or a realization of something about Christ the other day that had never occurred to me before. Something that meant absolutely everything to me and while I haven’t really any eloquent way to say it, I wanted to share it with y’all.

The past few weeks have been really hard for me especially in the area of being homesick and feeling like I didn’t really belong, didn’t have my heart here, and didn’t really fit in at all with the people out here. With an unknown future looming ahead of me it is very easy for me to become scared of what will happen to me or where I will belong. There is something to be very highly valued in people that you know and that know you very well and I miss that. Basically, with all the stuff going on at home, I was just really struggling with feeling very much alone in a lot of ways and not really enjoying it at all. =)

I was sharing this with Emily the other day and she pointed out two verses to me. You know those you have read a million times and never really noticed? Yep, those… They are both in Psalms 10 the first being verse 14 and read as follows:

“ But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you and you are the helper of the fatherless”

and the second being verse 17

“You hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them and listen to their cry.”

I absolutely don’t consider myself a victim in any way just to clear that up, but I read verse 17 and it just blew me away, that while I was sitting there, alone in my room, sobbing my little heart out, that He was listening to me.

I started thinking about Jesus’s time here on earth and how it must have been for Him. How homesick He must have been for heaven, to be with others who appreciated and knew who He truly was. To have His Father with Him. He didn’t belong here and He knew that. I have no doubt that He never felt at home on this earth, because He knew he was only here for a time, much like me where I am right now. We know He felt alone and was indeed abandoned by the One He loved most. (Mark 15:34)

I know it is such an elementary realization, but to me sitting there just feeling His presence and His love and knowing that I love God and I am known by God (1 Cor 8:3) just absolutely meant everything to me.

He knows the desires of my heart and He knows how it feels to do what He has given me. And when you give your life to someone who knows and has gone through the hardships that you are and will go through (no matter how big or trivial they are) it just makes that relationship that much stronger and so much dearer. I mean come on people, He heard me crying… and He did something about it!

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Take...

1. Take my life and let it be

   Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

   Take my moments and my days,

   Let them flow in endless praise.

   
   

1. 
   
2. 
3. Take my hands and let them move

   At the impulse of Thy love.

   Take my feet and let them be

   Swift and beautiful for Thee.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Take my voice and let me sing,

   Always, only for my King.

   Take my lips and let them be

   Filled with messages from Thee.

1. 
2. Take my will and make it Thine,

   It shall be no longer mine.

   Take my heart, it is Thine own,

   It shall be Thy royal throne.

1. 
2. Take my love, my Lord, I pour

   At Thy feet its treasure store.

   Take myself and I will be

   Ever, only,

   all for Thee.

Frances R. Havergal, 1874

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7X70

Every time God turns me around for a moment and shows me what he has done with my life, and how He has used things that I would not have thought to make me who I am now and who I will be, I am amazed.

I wrote a blog post titled "I wonder" in which I quoted the song titled that by Kelli Pickler and added a few pictures from my life at that time. I was so hurt and filled with disbelief that this would be my life. That my parents would have split up. That my baby sister would be sobbing on my shoulder because she missed her mommy. I remember finding comfort in that song because she described perfectly, how I felt and what I thought when I looked at my siblings. I wondered if things would ever be better and if I would ever ever be able to work past this massive deficit in my heart.

Fast forward roughly 3 years...

The truth is the truth and sometimes it cannot be softened, but at the same time, forgiveness is still very much alive and at work. Every time I see my mom cry when one of us leaves, something in me aches. Aches to make it better. Aches to go back in time and change the way things happened. Yet at the same time I see a little of why first of all God allowed my family to fall apart. And secondly, why He allowed my "Ex-stepmother" to come in and just wreak havoc in my already hurting family. How could God let someone kick us while we were down and how could God let a good godly loving family fall in the first place?

I can't remember where I first heard the song"7X70" by Chris August, a few weeks ago but it made me sob, just bawl my heart out. Not because I was hurt, but because I was healing. I suddenly saw all the ways God has worked and been restoring relationships that I thought were beyond repair.

While I will be straight up and honest here, I still struggle deeply with the hurt Loretta caused me and my family. Yet at the same time, that is something that I surrender back to the Lord every time it comes up and I think it will take a few more years for it to heal completely.

However, in regards to my mom and the way I have seen God using my time out here in WA to slowly work on that relationship that was destroyed and to bring me to a place of total forgiveness and peace with her, I am awestruck. I honestly didn't expect God to work that quickly or that deeply in my heart.

Does it still hurt? YES!

Am I "over it" ? NO!

Sometimes I don't even believe that it happened and that I will wake up soon and it will all just be a bad dream. But at the same time I understand that what is done is done and He has been SO gracious to provide the grace to carry on in love.

I really don't have a dramatic ending for this post so I will just imbedd the video (Umm use the video in the link above when I first referenced it for the official music video that wont let me Embed!) and say one more thing.

I love you mommy!

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Grandma Nancy and Wisdom

By natural roots and as long as I can remember I have always been very sentimental. I saved special things and kept them forever just because they reminded me of a time or person.

Ya, I just finally got rid of my Bookit! pin with all the little silver stickers that I had when I was 6ish? (mom?) to be rewarded by pizza hut for my reading (mostly just to get free pizza though).

I also have this weakness when it comes to hand written notes and when I get one I pretty much hang on to it forever. I keep a manila envelope full of little notes with “I love you” “this verse blessed me and I thought I would share it with you”, “I am sorry”, “I am so proud of you”, ect… written on everything from post-its and daddy’s famous yellow note pads , to pretty stationary and embossed cards.

Sometimes I like to go back and read through all of them and it always…always makes me cry and miss people.

For some reason, this evening I decided to take them all out and read them again since it had been several months since I read them last and I also had some to add to the collection.

I expected to cry, but I did not expect God to use words that were written years ago to encourage me as much as He did!

For those of you who don’t know them, Bob and Nancy Buchanan were two of the most influential people in my life from the ages of around 7 or 8 up until the time of their death when I was 14. “Grandma Nancy” and I used to exchange handwritten letters that started out as mailing each other stickers and talking about animals and flowers. However, some of the final letters before her passing, were chock full of biblical truths and deep spiritual

conversations that really helped to lay the groundwork for me and deepened my walk with the Lord. Little did either of us know that several years down the road, I would be wishing so badly to sit down with her and talk like we used to and ask her all my hard questions like I used to, and I would pull out those letters.

For the benefit of all of us I typed up some excerpts from those letters that I wanted to share with y’all.

In a note card dated exactly 5 years ago last Thursday,

“I am Glad God lifted you out of a spiritual low. I pray that you’re finding God to be everything you need and want and that He alone can satisfy the deepest longings in your heart. No one can ever satisfy like Jesus. I can attest to the fact that after 50+ years of walking with Him that He is more precious to me each day. Just remember that time alone with Him will bring you true joy.”

Written before that one on January 23^rd, 2006

“I love to claim a verse that meant so much to our son who is now with Jesus. It is 1 Timothy 1:7 and says: “God has not given us a spirit of timidity or fear but, of love, power and self discipline.” Keep putting on the armor every morning and yield, all that you have and all that you are, to Him. I thank God for His great faithfulness to each of us. He is always there to be whatever we need A rock, a refuge, a shelter, a strong tower, a friend, a Father, our joy, our peace, our burden bearer, our strength, our deliverer and so much more. He wants to be our everything. I’m sure the experiences you have had, God has used in your growth of faith!! May He keep you covered with His blood.”

And later on in the same letter

“We feel like God may bring us back to NE someday, and how much we would like to be with all of you. It doesn’t appear that it will be right away. We think He is saying stay put for now and just wait on Me. If we had our way we would probably have left yesterday! God seems to want Bob to keep plugging away at his insurance job right now. He would so much rather be in full time ministry again. We don’t know out future, we just take one day at a time, knowing our future is in His hands and that is where we want it to be. He has never failed us, and has been very good to us in 45yrs of marriage! Hallelujah what a Savior!”

I love the way God works, I love how she wrote all those words intending them to encourage me and 5 years later I would be sitting at my computer typing this up and bawling because those truths and encouragements meet me at a place where I need to hear and hearing them from her is just that much more special!!

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"Wait"

For those of you who know me well, you would know that I am a total sucker for poetry.

I love the beauty of the words and the flow of another's soul giving me goosebumps and just all the emotions wrapped up in a few lyrical lines.

Ahhh yes, I LOVE it!

While I can spend hours pouring over a poem book and getting the chills, it is rare that I come across a work as life changing and inspiring as the one I am going to share here.

As has been the theme in my posts for a few years now but a lot this past year; I am waiting... waiting for God.

Waiting for direction, waiting for providence, waiting for people... lots and lots of waiting and we all know how much I adore waiting (NOT!).

However it seems that at this point in my life waiting and doing faithfully what I was given last to do seems to totally dominate my existence! ;-)

With that in mind, it is of little surprise that the following poem made me stop short and suddenly realize how much I need to appreciate the waiting God has given me!

What a blessing!

What a tragedy to miss such marvelous lessons!!

Now without further adieu...

"WAIT"

"Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .

And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

- by Russell Kelfer

Photos courtesy of Google... lame I know but I didn't have anything in my portfolio that correctly depicted what I wanted and I was in too much of a hurry to take something ;-)

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A few random Musings...

When I was little it seemed like an eternity in between my birthdays and I remember my parents telling me that when I got older the years would fly by… I had no idea how right they would be.
One year ago today I was in Mexico “figuring out what to do with my life”. I came back with a plan and a few short weeks later my plan was history and I was on a plane to Seattle for an indefinite amount of time. A year later I am back at that “plan” making crossroads and for some reason I still haven’t learned the art of total flexibility with my dreams, goals and life before Christ.

The last two weeks have been a blur of ideas, emotions, and thoughts; all of which are supposed to somehow magically appear into ‘yellow brick road’ for me to follow.

Yet, what if the road doesn’t materialize, and I end up tripping over random debris all year trying to figure out what the heck I am supposed to do and where I belong?

Am I surrendered enough to God’s plan, to lay mine down and blindly put my hand out and follow?

When all is said and done when I look back a year from now, will I truly be able to say:
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home a land that I’ll never see
I am changing: less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under meI’ll be found in you still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their kneesWhen time and space are through
Ill be found in you

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"That's Real Love" (VIDEO)

I ran across this video yesterday and was so blessed by it that I had to share it with y'all. I often underestimate the Love of God and have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that He could and does love me. Not just a surface love but a love deeper than we can humanly comprehend... ♥

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My Heart; Your Home

I think everyone has a CD or a song that just sums up the very deepest desires if their heart in the beautiful melodic way only music can. For me, that would be the ‘Watermark’ CD :“ All things New”. I call it my “Heart Music”, because no matter where I have been in my life or walk with the Lord over the past few years, this CD has never failed to minister to me in some wonderful way. Be it the piercing words of conviction, the soothing balm of peace to my troubled heart, or the perfect summation of love and grief; this collection of songs has consistently spoken deeper into my soul than any other.

This past week I was listening to it while I vacuumed, and something made me stop dead in my tracks and spend several days thinking and evaluating my life from an angle I had never really pondered much before.

For simplicity’s sake I am just going to post all the lyrics here for you to read and a link for you to listen to the song on youtube

(I recommend just listening and not watching because they put it to a clip from Dumbo and if you are anything like me you will puddle up all the way through and not be able to really listen to the song. :-P )

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6VX_aNo0zs&feature=BF

Lyrics:

“Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through 'till my heart becomes a home for You.

A home for You, Lord.
A home for You, Lord.
Let everything I do open up,

A door for You to come through,
And that my heart would be a place where You want to be.
Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through 'till my heart becomes a home for You.

You are my portion, filling up everything.
You are the fortune that's causing my heart to sing.
That it's amazing, that You could make Yourself at home with me.
Come and make my heart,
Come and make it Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.

Search me through and through 'till my heart becomes a home for You”

My life has been focused in large part in preparation for my future as I feel God is calling me; to someday be the keeper of a home. And while I currently have no plans with anyone and don’t feel as though God has given me a time-line or anything, I have been slowly but steadily preparing for my future home, husband, and children for several years now.

I find myself often thinking about how I can most wisely invest now so as to be a blessing to my future family. It seems like every choice, big or little, somehow relates.

What car to buy? Do I invest more money into a more practical family type vehicle? Or settle for a less expensive small car?

When I go to buy a book, I think of it in my future library and I always look for books that I know I want to have my children read.

I read anything I can get my hands on about being a good wife and mother, I stalk mommy blogs and learn the mom money saving tricks, and (my personal favorite) I routinely ask people who have been married for 20+ years what their secret is and what wisdom they would pass on to me. Every day I think about it and what I can be doing now to be ready, and to make a better home for my family and their friends.

The thought that struck me so hard, was in relation to my heart being God’s home. It is my dream to host many people from all over the world in my future home, but what about hosting the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, in my heart…. Permanently.

What sort of things would I change in my life to make my heart a welcoming place for Him to be?

Do I prepare and maintain my heart for my ultimate lover and guest, as a higher

priority than I do my earthly dream?

Do I sit down with people who have spent many years in a passionate sold out relationship with Christ and ask them what wisdom they would pass on to me as a younger Christian?

Do I think of the Spiritual influence I will have on my future children and their friends and the people who will be in my life, and prepare myself accordingly?

Do I earnestly put my life and relationship with Christ in every fiber of my being and every second of my day?

Admittedly, I was taken aback at how skewed my priorities can be and how little I sometimes devote to the eternal in contrast to what I dedicate to earthly things. Not only was I challenged to take a closer look at exactly what motive/s are driving me, but to make a change and spend more time nurturing my relationship with Christ.

I like to have things figured out in advance so it can be hard for me to trust Him to work out all the details in regards to my future, but… who better to trust?!

As I find that beautiful wonderful passionate close relationship with Christ, slowly but surely, becoming more and more essential to my everyday life with each passing day, I am reminded who (and what) I truly live for!

Preparing for my future home was a perfect example for me and something God used in my life to really drive home the point of my need to focus more on Him in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

What sort of things in your life might remind you of your constant need to be seeking Him ever more each day?

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World Changers

Every single day I spend hours investing time and energy into training a leader of tomorrow. Be he a leader of his own home, or work or the state or country. He is a leader and I am molding him.

Right now as I type, in-between shoveling spoonfuls of sweet potato and chicken dinner down him, I am changing the world.

One bite at a time.

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Heart Update #1

It is one of those times again; late at night when my heart is the fullest and my mind is spinning with the day and life in general.

It is generally at these times that I pull out a paper and pen or grab a good friend to chat with about God, life, love, truth, ideas, and the deeper facets of everyday living. It is on these papers and into these hearts that I share my deepest thoughts, desires and fears.

Over the last few months I have had the deepest walls of my heart penetrated, renovated, and my view point on several factors of life severely altered from what I originally had. God has taken my life, turned it upside down and I would say “Handed it back to me” but I don’t honestly think He has. There have been so many facets that He has touched but the one I really want to focus on this evening is Him. So grab a pillow and some coffee or chai (probably caffeinated) and make yourself comfortable. =)

I have always known that God was more than just a Deity that we worshiped and obeyed because if we did not, our destination was “HE-double hockey sticks”. I knew that it was a relationship with one person and one Savior that was a perfect beautiful combination of authority, God, man, lover, friend, strength, mercy, sin, forgiveness, love, hate, beauty, brokenness, passion, meekness, joy and tears. It is the epitome of every dream and desire; the ultimatum of the human existence.

Yet, I do not think I ever fully ‘realized’ the reality of Christ within myself in a way that affected every choice I made, from life alterations to the words that flowed out of my mouth on a daily basis and even more importantly so massively influenced and changed me just as who I am.

I have been reading a small beautifully written little theological book by a man named Myron S Augusburger – “Called to Maturity – Gods provision for Spiritual Growth”

When I first moved to WA I started attending a church down town and naturally made a bee line for the church library. Something, about the plain tan little hardback tucked away in a corner, caught my eye and I borrowed it for several months. Never once did I think it would change my life.

Now as I am still chipping away at this gorgeous little gem of literature, I am seeing God as so much more than I ever imagined. As an example, something I struggle with is forgiveness, not so much for people who have wronged me personally but those who have wronged someone I love. In many of my late night talks and writings forgiveness was a discussed topic because if it’s powerful necessity in our lives. I knew that we were called to forgive and that Christ forgave us, but I never understood so much of what Christ really did on the cross and just how much He Forgave nor HOW He did it.

To quote Augusburger, “To claim to forgive without assuming the consequence is not forgiveness but avoidance.”

That quote/thought set a little fire in my mind as I thought over all the people I need to forgive and all the times I have been forgiven, not only by human hearts but by God Himself who assumed the consequences of my sin in such a phenomenal sacrifice.

Augusburger put it this way: “ For Christ to truly forgive He would bear upon Himself vicariously the consequence of man’s sin. The Bible says “[He] bare our sins in His own body on the tree” it must here be recognized that the effect of being a sin offering as it rested upon Jesus was an impression upon His soul, not an experience within His soul of tasting sin. He never tasted Sin in personal transgression, but He gave His life, being “numbered with the transgressors.” In this experience of being a sin offering He looked into the cup and gazed upon the sin for the guilt of which He was dying. Every sin of humanity was in the cup He must drink: foul words, evil imaginations, malice, envy, hatred, lustful desires, immoral acts, deceit and pride; and all would be forgiven by the innocent Christ whose mind never tolerated evil thought, whose heart never beat with lustful desires, whose character was as pure as the driven snow, and whose heart overflowed with infinite Love even unto death”

Can you even imagine loving someone that much… I love and I love to love, but when I think about taking that sort of death, or any death for that matter, for the sin of mankind, knowing that I did not have to, it is honestly too much for me to even comprehend much less imagine doing! It brings me to my knees in speechless tears when I think of His Love, and how He loves us… how He loves me. ♥

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True Love

I have had something overwhelming creeping over my heart the past few weeks and more intensely the past few days. I hope that I can share this in a way that does not sound like random gibberish but in a manner that speaks to your heart as it has been speaking to mine.

Those of you who know me well know that my number one dream in life is to be pursued, captured, and carried away by my very own prince charming; to have his babies and live a happy crazy life supporting him wherever God leads him! As you also all know, as much as I hate to admit it, there really is no such man on the horizon. I know he is supposed to “swoop” in at the last second but seriously… I don’t see that happening any time soon.

Pondering my plight last Tuesday at the “College and beyond” group where it seemed like lots of girls had found their prince charming I suddenly tuned into the song that was being sung (can you tell Music changes my life!) . I cannot remember the words exactly but they were describing the Love of Christ and how He died for us. I have been a Christian for several years and while I am fully acquainted with that concept, it seems God has something new to show me all the time!

Wonder started filling my heart at the vast love that He had for me as I stood there watching these words flow across the screen. Suddenly the song ended and the service was over, people began milling around talking and as quickly as it had begin the door was closed. Bam. I felt like I had just missed something very important and had been puzzling over it… until today.

I had some quiet time putting the baby down for a nap this afternoon and after he fell asleep I began to pray first of all just thanking God for everything He had done for me and how inexplicably blessed I am.

Now in order for this to make perfect sense I need to state that I have been struggling with unworthiness the past few weeks. Mostly just being over powered by the enormity of God and the insignificance of myself. Realistically speaking, He is God and I am dust, what could I ever say that would be of any significance to Him? I would go to pray and just walk away because I did not think I could enter His presence without doing something to make me more acceptable ( I mean, excuse me, this is the Emperor of the universe we are talking to here!) .

Now, last Sunday, the pastor at the church I attended addressed this very topic and reminded me that no matter how unworthy I am (and I am completely unacceptable!) God has cleansed me and HE invites me to come into His presence, regardless! So I was really enjoying this re-remembered nugget of truth which brings us back to today and my praying and thanking God for wanting me in His presence.

Hashing back over the thoughts of Thursday I started praying that God would reveal to me more of Himself, and another realization started to fill my heart from the core spreading out in every direction.

He died!

I mean that.

He DIED!!!

“No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for a friend”

Not only did He DIE but He died RESCUING me…

He set me free!

He captured my heart!

He is preparing a kingdom for me!

He loved me so much that He fought the dragon and won!

Not only did He emerge victorious but He did it in such a way that ultimately the whole earth will have no choice but to worship Him!

It is like the most perfect fairy tale ever except even more, it is TRUE!

I wanted a Prince Charming, I got one.

So while the desire for a husband has not lessened whatsoever, it brought to more realistic terms a truth I had heard but had not quite sunk fully into my heart. As every corner of my heart was filled with glorious wonder and rapture just thinking of what a sacrifice He made for me, tears streamed down my face for sheer joy and be-wonderment.

Just an FYI, I am having a really hard time just trying to write or even portray in words what it is like and I hope this is followable! :-P

You know the moment in a Disney movie; the music has been steadily climbing, the suspense is killing you and suddenly the prince emerges victorious! The Princess runs out with a radiant face to greet him and everyone feels all warm and fuzzy. Okay, that is like a cardboard box compared to the realization that the King of all the Universe sacrificed His very life for ME! (I don’t think any of the guys in the fairy tales end up dying and coming back to life either! How cool is that!)

I love you so much, Jesus! ♥

I would highly recommend listening to "True Love" by Phil Wickham ♥

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Dear Lord, make me beautiful?

"When I’m at the point of breaking

At the place where I resign,

And I’m at the stage of shaking my head

As I look back on my life,

When I’m halfway through the grieving,

But not quite through the ache,

When I cannot see the ending

Or which road I’m supposed to take,

All I know to do is lift my hands to You.

Take all of my life, all of my life,

And make something beautiful.

I open my hand, trusting Your plan.

Make something beautiful so all will see
You work in me
As You make something beautiful

When I am tired of pretending
And I can't recall my lines
Do I say I'm barely breathing?
Or just say I'm doin' fine
I admit there is a yearning
For the hurting to subside
But not at the risk of missing
What you're doing in my life

All I know to do is lift my hands to You.

Take all of my life, all of my life,

And make something beautiful.

I open my hand, trusting Your plan.

Make something beautiful so all will see
You work in me
As You make something beautiful" -Laura Story

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